Dr Linda Helps - Successful coping with stress involves using the resources you have. First, identify your resources. What do you have available to help you (think about tangible things--support, money, time, power, status, influence- -and those more internal things like faith in God, confidence, patience, prayer, etc.)? How will you use what’s available? What strengths do you have that will help the situation? This varies from person to person.

Second, use a coping strategy. Basically there are two major coping strategies: 1) Take direct action to change the stressful situation 2) Rethink the situation. Usually this involves coming to terms with the positive side of stress- -what can you learn and how can you grow? A combination of both strategies can be used as well.

Here’s an example. Debbie was constantly mad at the critical nature of her stepfather. Debbie was an adult living at home with her mother when her mother remarried. Debbie never liked the stepfather because he rarely had a kind word. Most of his comments were critical and demeaning. Debbie was stressed living at home. She couldn’t stand the stepfather’s constant complaints.

Debbie could do a number of things based on the strategies above. She could directly talk to her stepfather about his behavior. She didn’t think this would change things. She could move out. After all, she was an adult and her mother made the choice to marry this guy. If Debbie didn’t like his behavior, she could get her own place.

The situation actually prompted Debbie to rethink her growing dependency on mom. While she wasn’t fond of the new step-dad, his presence made her realize her need for more independence.

In Debbie’s case, she acted (moved out), and chose to rethink her situation (she needed more independence). She chose not to let the stress continue to build. Instead she made changes and used her resources to move out.  

Most people learn coping strategies from their families. They watch how family members handle times of stress and model their behavior. The good news is that with help, you can learn new ways to cope. If you have seen dysfunctional coping styles among your family, you are not destined to do the same. Just recognize that those strategies don’t work, and new behavior and thinking is needed.